Monday, November 16, 2009

Why marriages fail...Isolation vs. oneness


Last night, I skipped the 1st session because it was a sad way to start off a blog. Today, I feel I need to go back and share with you all about why marriages fail.

Here we go!

Threat #1: Difficult adjustments.

Contrasting backgrounds:

Values: Not moral values, but values in general. The example they gave was the speaker's wife grew up in a Pastor's family. They valued relationships and their church. He grew up as a farmer turned contractor. They valued hard work and getting jobs done. So when they married, they both had different values and had to work through them. Another example: hand shakers vs. huggers. Wil and I laughed hard on this one cause his family HAND SHAKES and my family HUGS. Something we both had to get use to when meeting our families!

Others include: Vocations: Religion: Finances: Family History: Past relationships: Painful experiences
Differing expectations about marriage: Roles, expression of love, Sexual performance, Plans for the future...All of them can cause difficult adjustments!

When couples fail to make necessary adjustments to move toward oneness, the result is isolatoin.

Threat #2: Our culture's pattern:

Our culture's pattern is 50/50. You do your part, I'll do my part. This is designed to self-distruct because, ONE you focus on weaknesses of your spouse.

Threat #3:Inevitable difficulties:
There is a failure to anticipate the certainty of difficulties and problems.
There is a failure to respond properly to difficulties and problems.
DIFFICULTIES DO NOT MEAN SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR MARRIAGE!
The speaker told us he had 3 sons. One of his sons was married and now he and his wife have gotten a divorce. What a difficult thing for FAMILY LIFE speakers to GO THROUGH! Yet, even though it was a difficult thing, and I'm sure they were heart-broken that they couldn't help their son and daughter-in-law, they didn't let this difficult situation ruin their marriage.

WHEN COUPLES FAIL TO GRASP GOD'S PERSPECTIVE ON DIFFUCULTIES AND PROBLEMS, THE RESULT IS ISOLATION.

Threat #4: Extramarital affairs:
An E/A is an escape from reality or a search for fulfillment outside of marriage.
There are several different kinds of affairs:
Activities affairs: being too busy
Materialism affairs: riches OVER relationship
Career Affair: Your job comes before your wife or husband
Family Affair: You put your kids 1st, above your spouse
Fantasy affair: Sexual, Pornography, or romance novels (Wishing your spouse was like_____)
Love affair: which really is LUST!

We are seduced by our culture into believing that we deserve complete fulfillment and perfect happiness.

WHEN COUPLES ESCAPE TO EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS, THE RESULT IS ISOLATION.

Threat #5: Selfishness
We ALL tend to be self-centered and that is destructive to our relationships. Our culture today promotes and encourages selfishness. Selfishness robs our relationship of its romance. We then, being selfish, become critical of our spouse's weaknesses, mistakes, or failures to meet our expectations. Our selfish nature even seeks to justify our rejection of our spouse.

WHEN HUSBANDS AND WIVES ARE SELFISH THE RESULT IS ISOLATION.

What threat that has had the biggest impact on your marriage?
Difficult adjustments
Our culture's pattern
Inevitable Difficulties
Extramarital "affairs"
Selfishness

As I said, we started with this session and I will be QUITE honest, when they started with this session I was SO SAD they'd start with a "downer" and not something more uplifting. SO I kind of tuned out here and there. BUT, last night and today, reviewing my notes I LOVED this session so much more cause it gives me ideas of WHAT to LOOK for in my own marriage to make sure we are NOT falling into one of those threats!

My next W2R session...Unlocking the mystery of marriage!
See ya next time!

2 comments:

The MRS. said...

Love it, Rae! I hope Isaac and I can go to one of those!!!!!!

Dixieland57 said...

Rachel,
I loved your post. It sounded amazing! Daddy and I are so proud of you and Wil.
Love you,
Marmee