Thursday, February 25, 2010

Too far to look back...

The question was asked of me today, "Why did you start blogging?" and I smiled. The kind of smile you use when you remember something born out of pain, yet one that gives you comfort.

I started this blog September 16, 2008. You can read my 1st post HERE I remember like it was yesterday. I had just received word that I was going to miscarry my 1st born child. There was SOMETHING so comforting about the idea of typing out my sadness. No one knew I had a blog so I really could say ANYTHING I wanted. Typing out my heart I could press PUBLISH POST and it was out there for ANYONE to see. Or not see. It was almost freeing. Since I was STUCK on a couch just WAITING for a miscarry to take ahold of my body, blogging was my way out. My freedom to BE whatever I wanted. To me, blogging showed me a WAY OUT. I wasn't stuck on the couch. I could read what other people would post and not deal with my current situation. I could type and let my blog know how I feel.

It took months to recover. Months. My miscarriage was a nightmare. It ended up being an ectopic pregnancy and I ended up in the ER about 3 weeks after my 1st post. At that point, I wanted it OVER. Done. But, sometimes you just have to let God lead and you just sit and endure. I thought the hardest time was behind me that week of Sept. but it was ONLY beginning. So glad I didn't know that then, because it would have been FAR worse knowing HOW LONG the trial would be.

My body doesn't take well to meds. AND the meds they gave me for my ectopic left me on the couch for 3 more weeks. LOTS of time to think. THEN, it took my body even longer to go back to "normal." All along, I just wanted to be pregnant again. But for some reason, God had another plan. I KEPT hoping this would be the month it would happen...but nope. It wouldn't. It took 9 months after my miscarriage before I'd become pregnant again. 9 months of LOTS of emotion. One day I'd be FINE, feeling good, the next day, my husband would find me in our bed sobbing. I had a memory, a flashback, someone said something, I just wanted out of this trial...and the list went on and on.

BUT through it all, God remained in control. To this day, I don't know WHY I had to go through all that. I don't know WHAT God wanted me to learn. BUT, I do know that I walked away with a MUCH stronger TRUST and FAITH in Him. People asked me at the beginning of this pregnancy, "Are you afraid you might miscarry this baby?" Honestly, I wasn't. Because I KNEW that IF God took this baby, He would walk to through that trial too. Just like He did before.

And so, realizing that I only have less than 4 weeks left with this pregnancy, I see God's hand each step of the way. Have I been pregnant FOREVER? Yes. You can't tell me I haven't. Cause I have. I was pregnant in Sept 2008 and then miscarried, tried for 9 months, got pregnant and ONCE AGAIN was pregnant in Sept 2009. We have a Gospel Sing in Sept. and in 08 my dad announced it to the crowd we were expecting...I was 6 weeks pregnant. THEN, in Sept. 09...same thing. He announced that I was 11 weeks pregnant. Two Septembers pregnant...with no baby. Yep. I've been pregnant FOREVER.

But, God has taught me amazing things along the way. Blogging has become a DEAR friend, and I consider all of my blogger friends little gifts from Heaven. So what the devil meant to evil, God meant for good. AND, if one person is blessed by this story, then it was all worth it.

I titled my blog--TOO FAR TO LOOK BACK. For one, it's an amazing Southern Gospel song that I love...but another reason was I have come TOO FAR in my walk with God to look back. I'm going forward no matter what may come along the way.

Rest assured my dear friends, IF you are in a trial...HE WILL CARRY YOU! His word promises it!
SO...GO on believing that HE is right there with you and HE is on your side!
TRUST HIM my friends!

6 comments:* said...

:) loved readin this.... & i love you & east. :)

jessica m said...

Wow! What a testiment to God's Love! Thanks for sharing. Praying for you everyday as you enter into mommyhood.

Truly His said...

Rachel, this is the best post I have ever read on blogger. Do you know why? It is real, raw, genuINE. It is right from your heart. This baby is going to be such a blessing, Rachel. He will be. God is all over him. :)

I love you. What a great role model you are for you two little sisters. :)

The Stanley Family said...

Wow - what a heartbreaking and yet uplifting story. What a testament to the faithfulness of our Lord. I'm so happy that you endured and are now pregnant again!! Praying for a perfectly healthy, happy baby ... and a quick delivery, painless :).

Happy Friday Follow ... on Saturday! I'm your newest following friend. I'd love for you to drop by my blog sometime & follow me. While you're there, you can enter to win a 10x10 Photographic Print by Red Leaf Photography that is amazing!! I hope to see you around soon!!

Mrs. Mallory said...

I just read this for the first time and cried! God is so wonderful! You and Wil are so blessed with this beautiful baby boy!!! And to think if you would have gotten pregnant just 1 month earlier, you wouldn't have Easton.. who he is today! God's plan is truly perfect!!!

Tirza said...

hey rachel, love your blog (just read bits & pieces so far), it echos so much of what I feel too. we miscarried between Ruby & Cooper and wondered if we'd be able to have a 2nd child. I also started using cloth diapers with Cooper a month ago and LOVE them (so far I've liked gDiapers). I've been thinking about starting a blog for MONTHS and think I'm getting close to diving in :) Have a great day!