Saturday, June 4, 2011

Soul Baring...

You know what I love about blogging? You can be real. You can be honest...You can post something and LEAVE it there. This will be ONE of those blogs. A let me have my say, let me 'whine' if you will. Vent. And walk away taking a deep breath.

Taking a deep breath...

My son has diarrhea. "Is THAT all?" you ask. No. Let me try again. My son has HAD diarrhea for THREE weeks.
That's 21 days.
That's OUTFIT after OUTFIT ruined.
That's 7 outfits THROWN away from VA to IA.
That's about 7-10 diapers a day.
That's MORE laundry than I've done in 2010.

That's A LOT of work.

And, let's throw in that I'm 6 months pregnant and zapped of energy.

Week 1, it was just part of being a mom. Your child gets sick. You deal with it. And you deal with it well.
1st sign of dirty, smelly laundry you attack it with that mama-tude you have. Clean house. Clean baby.

Week 2, you have a laundry basket and 'wait' for more than ONE outfit. You change the sheets, but don't wash them that day...after all, YOU know you will have another load a'coming. They can wait 12-24 hours. It's starting to be draining...BUT, you KNOW there's an end insight...RIGHT?

Week 3, you have tried everything. Googled everything. And finally realize your child needs more clothes because the laundry basket has 4 days worth of dirty, smelly clothes, plus crib sheets, and crib bumper. Around the house, you let your sweet baby run around in just a diaper because you just don't care anymore. He's whiney. His tummy is tight. He looks sick...and you are waiting on ONE MORE test result from the Dr. That ONCE again will be negative and you start ALL over again.

What is wrong?
You have no answer.
All tests keep coming back negative.

I miss normal.

There is NO ME time.
Me time is a shower...if I am lucky.

Nothing gets DONE completely.
You do shifts.
Clean this part of the kitchen here...
(go change baby.)
Go start a load there...
Wipe up the floor from where he was sitting...
Try to pick up living room.
Get 2 things picked up.
Hold crying baby.

You wanna cry too.

And so I did.

Yesterday. I broke down...I had been soooo strong.
But, I had reached my breaking point.
Tired of cleaning...
Only to do it all over again.

Of not knowing what's wrong.
And what to do.

Of a messy house.
And too tired to do anything.

And nothing works.
(For real...E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G)
(BRAT is no longer a spoiled child.)

We are under a Dr's care.
They are running tests.
But sometimes...
Life is hard.

I long for ONE hour to myself.
Already, I know what I'd do.
I'd hit a Starbucks...and read.

But, reality is, I can't.
#1. A baby boy needs me.
#2. The closest Starbucks is 45 mins away.

I pray.
Little prayers...that go something like this...

GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIVE ME GRACE!
Lord....HELP ME!
Jesus....heal him!
Right now, he's sleeping.
You think I'd relax...but, this is what goes through my mind.

Will I get sleep tonight?
Will he wake up with a mess to clean in the night??
Will this be the last day?
Will be be better tomorrow?
Will I make it another day?
Is tomorrow the day I have a breakdown?

Part of me is numb. Just living the motions.
Part of me worries. Going to this event will he blowout a diaper?
Part of me wonders. When will it end.
Part of me hopes. It's gotta end soon.

And so, I end this post praying for wisdom. Patience. Energy. And strength to face each new day.

Leave me a note of love...
Trust me...I need it! ;)

Thanks for allowing me to be real.


jessica m said...

I am SO sorry! :( Praying he feels better soon! I have been in similar situations and it is tough! I cried too...Praying you get you daily dose of strength also! (((Hugs)))

alignaCristina said...

rachel !i love you ive been there and i am praying for you honey! i shall have to take you out as soon as your little man can spare you! miss you:)

Mrs. B. said...

Oh my...Three WEEKS?! That's forever-long. I am so sorry. I know that three days is about all I can handle with that sort of stuff. :( I'm going to put Easton (and you!) on my prayer list and being praying lots for you guys this week.
Hang in there, Mama. I know from experience that, 'This, too, shall pass!!!'

Jamie Willow said...

Just now reading it still going on? Ug. So sorry :(