Thursday, December 8, 2011

The bag that Faith built

The year was 2008. And I was at this place. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't rainbows. In fact, it was hard. And yucky. There was pain like some may never know. And, I was crawling through it. Hardly holding on, struggling for each breath. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. And I feel that suffering all over again.

And then, God sent her. Her being my sister, Beka. She didn't even know what she was doing. We went out to eat with her husband, and while we were there she told me we were going to Wal-mart right across the street from where we were eating. She isn't a Wal-mart person. So I really didn't know what we were doing.
We walk inside and she told me her plan. Head to the baby department. Pick out a diaper bag and fill it with baby clothes for my future baby.

It was to be my Faith Bag.
Something I could hope and have faith for and look at for my future.
Sounds fun, right?
I'm not going to lie...it was hard.
I was in pain.
And, in pain I went through the motions of picking out a bag and a few outfits.
It did heal my heart a bit...
And a seed was planted.
But when I got home I hid the bag. It caused too much pain.

I couldn't put the outfits in a cute dresser drawer and get excited for the growing baby inside my tummy.
Mine was gone. Taken from me before I even knew if he was a boy or girl. Gone before I ever held her.
Gone.
And I was at a loss.

Months went by...and I didn't look at the bag. I forgot. And went through a depression. Months would come and go and I wouldn't be pregnant.
But, everyone else was having a baby. 

Finally, 9 months later, I got pregnant. And you know the story....
Easton Paul was born and then, 17 months later Lincoln Hunter joined our family.

While I was pregnant with Easton, I found the bag. I'm a bag addict so when I saw it I didn't realize what it was...until I opened it. The most sorrowful joy (if there is such a thing) filled my soul. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. In this bag held 2 tiny newborn outfits.
Both of them for winter.
And here I was, pregnant with a little one who would need newborn winter outfits.

And, even more perfect, they were for a boy.
A sweet little boy.


Easton around 1 month wearing the faith outfit.

When I finally put him in the outfit I laughed and realized...it wasn't my favorite outfit, nor even my style to dress my baby in, but it healed my heart. And everytime Easton wore it, I was reminded of the sorrow I went though, and the joy that came after.

That seed was growing...

And then, Lincoln came.

Lincoln around 2 weeks wearing the faith outfit.
And the JOY that filled my soul the ONE time he wore it (10lbs baby, you don't wear newborn!)
In the last few weeks, I've been thinking about that outfit. I honestly don't even know where the other one went, or which one it even is. But, I'll never forget the BEEP BEEP little dog with a car outfit, that brought comfort to my soul and still does.
This little outfit will be a keepsake and everyone who asks, "Why did you keep this outfit?" I'll share how God worked in my heart and at my lowest point, God used a little outfit to build faith.
From the 1st time I picked that outfit a healing process began. Trust me, it wasn't a pretty healing process. At that moment there was so much pain. So much pain, I couldn't enjoy the bag of goodies my sister bought.

But, slowly, ever so slowly, that little seed of faith was growing. I didn't realize it. In fact, sometimes I thought my faith was smashed to bits each time I realized I wasn't pregnant.

But, faith has a way of staying hidden, and quiet, it shows itself at times, and hides when you think it's lost.

With Easton, faith was growing still. I still had fears, and sorrow. But, my faith was stronger.

Then, when I saw my 10lb baby wear it, something in my heart screamed, "I'm FREE!" Faith was in full force. My little seed had grown. It was a solid Oak. With strong roots. Deep roots.

Will trials come? Yep. Do I want them do? No. They are not fun.
But, I know MY God lives.
And, He works when you don't think He's working.
He's putting tiny, tiny, TINY little seeds of faith in your life.

You can trust Him.

So, even in your sorrow, go out and buy yourself a bag...and fill it full of Faith.
Years later, your heart will SING!

Great is His Faithfulness!

3 comments:

Claire said...

Wow, Rachel this is an INCREDIBLE post. I didn't know about your miscarriage, and going back and reading that post was such a glimpse into your heart. What a remarkable idea Beka had (GOD INSPIRED) to have you buy that faith bag. And how amazing how God took that faith and from it gave you two beautiful sons :) He is so gracious to us. This post is such a wonderful encouragement for anyone who's bag is still tucked away in their closet, waiting for the day to come when their faith will become sight.

Thank you for sharing. Your story is beautiful.

Beka said...

:)

Carin said...

Rachel,
Thank-you so much for writing this. I don't know if I have enough faith to get a faith bag, but I pray that someday I will. You see we have experienced our own miscarraige. The doctors say that it is nearly impossible for me to have children. I don't understand it, and my heart hurts.
But I appreciate reading your story and how God has grown your faith. I know He is using it to grow mine.

Thank-you so much